I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize