She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
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she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
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You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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