Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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