walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
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I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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