I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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