my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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