so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
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who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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