I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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