So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
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nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
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I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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