I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize