There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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