Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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