Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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