Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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