I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
