just tell him i said nine months
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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