Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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