Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
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i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have fence marks all over my body
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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