So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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