God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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