The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize