I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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