he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
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You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
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I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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