Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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