well I can't set my house on fire every night
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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