Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize