god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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