I showed him my bush... on skype.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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