Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
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He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
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sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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