I cannot find my penis.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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