I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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