shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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