No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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