i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
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If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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