i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
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I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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