thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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