You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Watching her eat just hurts me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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