You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
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I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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