I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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