i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
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I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
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Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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