It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
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Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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