I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
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THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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