I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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