I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
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I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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