I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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