I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
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Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
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He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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