Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
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He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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