You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My bed smells like the plague
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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