maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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