Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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